Death Battle: Wario vs. Donkey Kong

Ray: Mario has made all kinds of enemies and friends in his many adventures, but these two have been that fine line in between.

Steel: Wario, Mario's greedy lookalike…

Ray: And Donkey Kong, Mario's oldest rival.

Steel: I'm Steel and he's Ray,

Ray: And it's our job to look into the abilities, strengths, weaknesses, and mindsets of these two legendary anti-heroes of the Mario-verse to see who would win a DEATH BATTLE.

DONKEY KONG…
Height: about 8'
Weight: over 600lbs
First Appearance: Donkey Kong (1981)
Obsession: Bananas

FEATS…
Defeated the Kremling Army twice
Conquered other kings of local jungles
Beat an entire Tiki-like army
Traverses great distances to reclaim bananas
Stopped a Tropical Freeze

Ray: Donkey Kong is one of Nintendo's oldest characters and has remained one of its many icons for over thirty years.

Steel: But, trust me, he didn't stay that way by bein' nice. Right from the get-go, he kidnapped chicks and chucked barrels at poor ol' Mario.

Ray: However, it seems that Donkey Kong has long since moved on from that, though he has occasionally returned to that line of work. For the most part, he has taken up hero work, teaming up with other primates to protect DK Island from evil crocodiles and tikis.

Steel: He has an entire island that's named after him and looks like him? How egotistical is that?

Ray: Donkey Kong's biggest attribute is his great strength and athleticism. He's an accomplished runner, climber, acrobat, jumper, swimmer, and weightlifter. DK's obvious strength is in his upper body strength, his massive arms can serve up home-runs in baseball, slamming his hands on the ground can create shockwaves, and his windup punch is capable of sending enemies flying through the air like a rocket.

ATHLETICISM…
Swims underwater and in sports events
Swings from vines and chains
Climbs tall trees and buildings regularly
Accomplished at many sports

UPPER BODY STRENGTH…
Punching Power
-Sends enemies flying, big or small
-3-second windup is his strongest
-Competed in "Punch-Out"
-Punched the moon out of orbit
-Uses his fist instead of a baseball bat
Hand Clap
-Creates shockwaves through air by clapping
-Creates tremors in the ground by slapping the ground

Steel: Oh, c'mon, you gotta be exaggerating. No WAY is he that str-(DK punching the moon from "Donkey Kong Country Returns")-er…never mind. DK can also headbutt his enemies with so much force that he can bury them halfway into the ground and spin like a helicopter to momentarily float through the air, though he can fly far, he can't go that high, though.

OTHER MOVES…
Spinning Kong
-8- to 10-foot radius
-Spins fast enough to let DK hover short distances
Headbutt
-Plants enemies into ground, leaving them momentarily helpless

Ray: Physical attributes aside, Donkey Kong also bears many special abilities. The Super Duper Simian Slam smashes the airborne Donkey Kong into the ground, crushing his enemies.

Steel: Yeah! BUTT-BOMB!!!

Ray: And, after gathering several Banana Fairies, he obtained the ability to create shockwaves by slamming his fists on the ground.

SUPER DUPER SIMIAN SLAM…
Aerial attack
Used primarily to activate switches

SHOCKWAVE…
Obtained through the gathering of Banana Fairies
Creates yellow shockwaves by slamming fists on ground
3-second charge

Steel: He also has a coconut-shooting handgun made of wood. Some ammo actually homes in on enemies. Oh, and he uses exploding oranges as grenades to take out even the strongest enemies. If a guy uses fruit that explodes, you KNOW he's packin' heat.

COCONUT CANNON…
Gift from Funky Kong
Shotgun design
Maximum Ammo: 99 coconuts
Homing Capabilities (won't turn around to hit enemy if it misses)

ORANGE GRENADE…
Can destroy large, metal, or defended enemies
Explodes on contact with enemy
4-second fuse if it misses

Steel: DK also has a large number of animal buddies, his personal favorite seeming to be a rhino named Rambi. Tch. Forget dogs. RHINOS are man's best friend!

Ray: DK can ride rambi like a racehorse, the rhinoceros acting like a near-juggernaut, plowing through enemies with his horn and massive body.

Steel: Rambi may be strong, but he's not invincible. Just touch him once with a blazing flame and he'll be running scared, ditching Donkey Kong. Some friend, huh?

RAMBI THE RHINO…
Found in Animal Crates
Acts as a mount
Destroys rock, wood, and even metal
Can go at full speed to knock down stronger walls
Kicks enemies behind him and knocks away enemies in front
Weak against fire

Ray: DK has two ultimate moves. By entering a barrel with his face on it, he enters the "Strong Kong" form. This form is completely invulnerable and he still retains his strength and agility. If he should run out of the move's fuel supply, crystal coconuts, he will return to normal.

Steel: Crystal coconuts? Oh boy, I'm havin' flashbacks to the TV show now…

STRONG KONG…
Makes DK completely invulnerable
Does not decrease or increase his strength or speed
Limited to no. of Crystal Coconuts he holds

Ray: DK's second ultimate technique is his Bongo Blast.

Steel: The Bongo Blast is a distinct beat used on Donkey Kong's set o' bongos. By beating in different rhythms, he can create either small shockwaves to draw in his enemies or use massive ones to blow 'em to kingdom come!

BONGO BLAST…
Based on the bongo drums
Creates shockwaves
Small ones stun foes and draws them in closer
Big ones have massive range and send foes flying
Stops after a swift medley

Ray: Yet, with all these powerful moves, DK usually resorts to his oldest weapon. He has used barrels since his debut in the arcade days and still uses them today. These barrels can be made of wood, metal, or even be packed with TNT.

Steel: DK has also taken a more recent step. Some barrels have the ability to launch him like a cannonball. He has mastered this technique to an art in terms of accuracy and speed. There also exists a portable version of this barrel that he can throw, trap his enemies in, and make them into living cannonballs.

BARRELS…
Weapon of choice since 1981
Four main types of barrels
-Wood
-Metal
-Explosive
-Cannon

Ray: Despite his herculean strength, DK is not the brightest of beasts. He fights with his gut rather than his head. He also tends to be very laidback, relaxing and working out rather than training to fight.

Steel: There is a workaround, though. Just abuse his banana stash and you better hope God exists, 'cuz he'll fly into a rage, hunt you down, and beat you to a pulp. Seems a bit excessive for fruit, but hey, if it gets the job done…

(Donkey Kong roars atop a cliff, beating his chest)

WARIO…
Height: over 6'
Weight: 200-250lbs
First Appearance: Super Mario Land 2: Six Golden Coins (1992)
Obsession: Money

FEATS…
Defeated supernatural threats
Found several lost treasures
Created his own company, WarioWare Inc.

Steel: Wario started off as Mario's evil clone, taking over Mario's castle on a faraway island, which honestly begs the question as to why he doesn't live there and why Luigi doesn't stick with that mansion he bought.

Ray: Like Donkey Kong, Wario has spent less time performing villainy (usually it's just harassing nowadays) and has done some hero work of his own, both adventuring and minigaming.

Partner: Like the big ape, Wario has demonstrated some amazing strength. Look at how he lifts that huge, freakin' lizard! He can also shoulder-charge through brick walls and toss his enemies around like they're weightless.

Ray: Wario has accomplished all kinds of hand-to-hand combat including punches, throws, piledrives, even rolling like a ball.

PHYSICALITY…
Great strength
-Lifted enemies several times larger than he is
-Can jump and piledrive while carrying mentioned adversaries
-Smashes through brick with shoulder-charge
-Can charge shoulder charge to go further and faster until interrupted
Throwing ability
-Spins to throw enemy away
-Can pick up everyday objects and use them as projectiles
Rolling
-Rolls on ground to smash through brick, stone, and ice
-Can spin in mid-jump for multiple hits

Steel: Wario also has large teeth to bite his enemies. Considering his diet mostly consists of garlic, I don't wanna get caught in that maw. Oh, and one of his main weapons is breaking wind. Just take a look…

(Wario's Nuclear Fart from the SSBB trailer)

Steel: Must take a huge amount of garlic 'n beans to get that much gas.

BODILY ATTACKS…
Mouth
-Large teeth to bite enemy
-Can somehow draw in coins like a vacuum
-Favorite food: garlic = bad breath
Flatulence
-Propels him into the air
-Nuclear fart has long range

Ray: Wario has had many transformations, but these have mostly been from dangers in the areas he faces regularly. Others have come through the use of power ups. The first three are called Pots.

Steel: The drug or the…

Ray: Pottery. Yes. The Jet Pot gives him a glide ability and increases his forward-going speed, the Dragon pot gives him projectile pyrokinesis, and the Bull Pot allows him to cling to ceilings and increases his strength.

POTS…
Jet Pot
-Gliding and speed increase
Dragon Pot
-Fire breath that even works underwater
Bull Pot
-Increases strength and clings to ceilings

Steel: Wario also became the "Master of Disguise" thanks to a stolen wand named Goodstyle, he also got eight transformations. Thief Wario is just…Wario with a different costume. Cosmic Wario can jump higher and shoot lasers, Arty Wario can paint blocks and hearts…though he can't attack or even move…moving on.

Ray: Genius Wario can see things that are invisible as well as an extendable boxing glove weapon. Sparky Wario can project electricity for light and offense, Dragon Wario-

Steel: Already been there.

Ray: Oh, right. But he does get heavier and can survive fire-based attacks. This one doesn't work in water, though. Captain Wario can float on water and even submerge Wario without need for air as well as shoot torpedoes.

Steel: Ya can't use the torpedoes out of water, though. No duh. The final form, Wicked Wario, allows him to fly…and that's it.

MASTER OF DISGUISE…
Thief Wario
-No changes
-Faster than all other transformations
Cosmic Wario
-Laser Gun
-Better jumper
Arty Wario
-Paints hearts to increase health
-Can create boxes
Genius Wario
-Sees invisible items
-Extendable boxing glove arm
Sparky Wario
-Illuminates dark places
-Emits electricity
Dragon Wario
-Breathes fire
-Heavier than other forms
-Immune to fire
Captain Wario
-Can float on water
-Submerges and can use torpedoes
Wicked Wario
-Flight

Ray: Out of all his transformations, his strongest is Wario Man, a form he attains when he eats a special type of garlic.

Steel: In this form, he is completely invincible, not even flinching from attacks or taking damage. His attacks are stronger and his moves are faster, some even allowing him to momentarily take to the air. He can fly as well as survive the vacuum of space. The problem is that it can't even last a full minute before Wario turns back. Only thing I'd change is his outfit. Seriously, they look like pajamas.

WARIO MAN…
Invulnerable
Faster and stronger
Can survive in space
Momentary flight

Ray: Wario also possesses two ways of getting around. The Wario Car is his bright-purple sports car and he even had his own Wario Bike custom-built for him. Both of them get him around fast and run over his enemies.

Steel: And he can even summon that bike at will. He must have some of the biggest pockets in the world!

WARIO CAR…
Modeled after a sports car
Not bad top speed
Takes time to build speed

WARIO BIKE…
Custom-built for Wario's physique
Good at cornering and acceleration
If it breaks, Wario can use the parts as throwing weapons

Ray: Wario may have a lot, but he's won most of his biggest tournaments through cheating. He is a dirty fighter and a cunning cheater, often going to drastic measures to make sure he would win, even going so far as to throw bombs instead of tennis balls and bringing robots, bad guys, and his brother Waluigi.

Steel: Remind me to never play poker with this guy. I don't wanna know what he'd do.

Wario: Welcome to WARIO WORLD!

--

Ray: They've been analyzed, muscle-for-muscle and pound-for-pound. So, let's have them duke it out and decide who's Mario's better rival once and for all.

Steel: It's time for a DEATH BATTLE!!!

--

Deep in a vast jungle, there lay a cave just below a treehouse with the large initials "DK" just at the door. The door of mentioned house opened and the tie-wearing, muscle-bound ape known as Donkey Kong stepped over the threshold.

A sinister snicker caught his ear, though, and he looked down at the source of the noise to see Wario emerge from the entrance to his banana hoard. His large teeth and mustache were unmistakable.

The thing that Donkey Kong noticed, upon closer inspection, was that Wario was holding at least five golden bananas in his grubby mitts. The sight was enough to light a fire in DK's gut.

The ape leapt down from his treehouse, landing right behind Wario with enough force to create a small shockwave. It was enough to surprise Wario and get him to turn around to see who did such a thing.

DK roared and beat his chest in rage, then glowered at the little troll-like man. Wario, always loving a challenge, flexed his muscles, then stared the ape down with a glare of his own.

FIGHT!!!

Both man and ape rushed forward and threw a fist at the other. Both fists collided and, after a quick recuperation, they threw another that collided with another. Each fist met the other's in a heavy-duty slugfest that rumbled through the whole jungle.

Growing tired of the pattern, Donkey Kong began to spin with his fists outstretched, his whole body resembling a giant, furry propeller. His fists pummeled Wario through the entire combo and he followed it up with a powerful right hook that sent Wario rolling backwards.

Wario ground to a halt, then looked over and saw a rock on the ground. He picked it up, reared back his arm, then threw it at Donkey Kong like a fastball.

The rock clunked DK in the head, causing stars to circle his head, and Wario charged again. He grabbed Donkey Kong, jumped into the air, spun around like a tornado, then slammed Donkey Kong into the ground in a piledrive before shoulder-tackling him away.

DK rolled across the ground, then got up, clutching his head, and returned his focus to the current thief. Wario took out a special pot with the horns of a bull on it and it seemed to absorb into his body before Wario gained a bull-horned helmet and charged like mentioned animal.

Donkey Kong stood his ground and, just when Wario was in range, DK raised his arms and slammed the ground with them, creating a small tremor: one small enough to send Wario off his feet and sent him crashing into the ground. DK followed up the attack with a one-two punch where one fist pounded Wario into the ground and the other sent him flying forward into the dense tree cover.

DK gave chase and what followed was a series of punch impacts, smashing and splintering wood, and grunts in pain and war cries until they reached the edge of the trees.

Wario flew out of the clearing, then looked up and saw his trusted sports car just in front of a factory building. What this was doing out in the middle of a jungle was beyond even himself, but it was a welcome addition to the fight.

Donkey Kong burst from the foliage only to see Wario get in his car and rev its engine. Wario cackled as he put his petal to the metal and charged at top speed (odd, seeing as how cars needed time to build speed).

Donkey Kong leapt out of the way, the purple car just missing him, and his eyes scoured the place, trying to find anything that would give him a hand. His answer came in the form of a wooden crate with the head of a rhino on its side.

Donkey Kong leapt on top of the crate and, with a single strike of his fist, he smashed it open to reveal a bulky, single-horned rhinoceros. DK hopped onto the beast's back, then pointed it in the direction of Wario's car. The rhino, Rambi, got the message, and began to rapidly scuff the ground with his foot, as though he were building up energy.

Wario made a wide turn, then sped back at DK, intent on turning the ape and rhino combo into roadkill. After building enough energy, Rambi charged, his very footsteps seeming to shake the ground.

Both vehicle and beast crossed the distance with terrifying speed, but the result when they collided was not as Wario would have hoped. The minute Rambi's horn came in contact with the car, the whole car flipped into the air, catapulting Wario from the driver's seat.

Wario landed on the ground with a "thud", then got up to see Rambi turn around and come rumbling back at him.

Wario took out a new pot, this one looking like a dragon, and instantly gained a hat that resembled a dragon's head. When Rambi got close, Wario unleashed a stream of fire from the dragon hat's nostrils.

The minute the flames touched Rambi, the rhino grunted in pain and bucked Donkey Kong off his back before taking off into the jungle depths.

Donkey Kong groaned as he got back to his feet, then took out a gun that looked like it was carved from a log and took aim at Wario. One pull of the trigger later and a coconut blasted from the barrel, clunking Wario in the forehead with the hard-shelled fruit and dazing him.

The injury rid Wario of his dragon hat for some convoluted video-game-esque reason and then a thought occurred to him. When DK fired the next coconut, Wario opened his gigantic maw, and swallowed the coconut whole.

DK, shocked by what he had seen, fired again to make sure that he had seen what he thought he saw. Wario proved him correct by eating all six coconuts fired.

DK grunted in disdain, then a lightbulb appeared over his head as he took something from his invisible pockets. It was an orange with what appeared to be a windup key in place of the stem. He lobbed it at Wario, who swallowed it whole. What harm would an orange do?

Wario's whole body puffed out slightly after a second's wait and, when he opened his mouth, smoke billowed from it as well as his nostrils.

Furious that he had been tricked that easily, Wario darted over to Donkey Kong, seized the big monkey by the tie, then spun him around and threw him right into the factory door. Mario's antihero lookalike followed suit, as he was not quite through with DK yet.
Donkey Kong landed on the floor, then saw that the factory was, oddly enough, a barrel factory. A toothy grin crossed the ape's face: a barrel factory was home-sweet-home to him.

DK climbed a ladder all the way to the top, then saw Wario walk right in through the door. The gorilla's response was to pick up a wooden barrel and toss it at Wario. The barrel rolled down a set of steel platforms and Wario jumped over it. Every time Wario did this, a strange jingle would play that most people would associate with earning bonus points.

After jumping over at least three of these barrels, Wario paused, then a thought occurred to him. Rather than jump over the next barrel, he shoulder-charged it and shattered it to splinters. He cursed himself for not doing this earlier.

Donkey Kong continued his barrel assault only to see Wario sock each one away with his fists, the little troll getting ever closer and even ascending ladders to get there. The ape got a devious thought, there and then, and picked up a barrel that had white letters spelling out "TNT" and lobbed it at Wario.

Wario, acting purely on instinct as to what worked, punched the oncoming barrel…

BOOM!

The explosion sent Wario rocketing backwards and smashing through the factory walls with a cry in both pain and surprise.

Donkey Kong leaped down from his position, then sprinted out the hole and chased after Wario.

Wario landed on his feet and, for reasons yet-to-be-known in their wall of existence, changed form. He was now wearing a white lab coat, a strange helmet/visor combination, and had an extendable arm with a boxing glove on the end.

Genius Wario worked the arm and the boxing glove flew forward, narrowly missing Donkey Kong's head. DK recognized the challenge, pulled back his fist, then smashed it into Wario's second attack. The extendable arm, on contact, broke in a shower of metal and bolts.

Wario quickly changed form again, this time donning a space helmet and brandishing a laser. DK yelped in surprise, then ducked as a thin beam of blue energy passed right over him. Cosmic Wario re-aimed his blaster only to see DK jump in the air.

Wario snickered as he fired again, catching DK right out of the air. The blast hurt him, clearly, but not enough to hinder him for long.

Donkey Kong saw Wario aim his blaster again, but actually ran at Wario rather than away. When Wario fired his blaster, DK actually rolled under the blast and bombarded Wario like a bowling ball. Wario flew into the air, landed on the ground, and lost his ability in an instant.

In another puff of smoke, Wario donned a beret and a canvas stood in front of him. With a swift movement of his brush…a box appeared in front of him.

DK, not the least bit impressed, simply took the box in one hand and belted Wario over the head with it, ending that act completely.

In another puff of smoke, Wario was clad in a blue jumpsuit with a yellow lightning-bolt down the center and his hair was spiked and bright-orange.

Wario pointed a finger at Donkey Kong and a ball of electricity flew at Donkey Kong. DK's whole body jerked as the bolt hit him, earning a mischievous snicker from Wario.

DK came back to his senses, then an series of orange orbs began to come from his body like fireflies. He brought both his fists into the air, then slammed them both into the ground, creating a giant, yellow shockwave.

The shockwave slammed into Wario, sending him flying backward and landing flat on his back. Wario ditched his disguise, then felt something building up in his gut.

DK, wanting to end this fight here and now, whipped out a pair of bongos and beat them in a swift, musical medley. At the same time, Wario turned his backside towards DK and unleashed a blast of gas just as DK finished the melody and a sound wave blasted through the air.

The resulting blasts blew each one away and sent them tumbling across the ground like skipping stones. Both skidded to a halt and, as they got back to their feet, they noticed their ultimate weapons not far away.

Wario picked up a sparkling piece of garlic and popped it into his mouth. He spun around twice and, in a flash of light, he wore a pink jumpsuit and a purple cowl-and-cape combination. He had turned into Wario-Man.

Donkey, on the other hand, noticed a barrel floating in midair with his head on it. He hopped into the barrel, which warped and hummed with an unknown energy before it burst into splinters. When DK emerged, his whole body was glowing with a vast energy. He had turned into the Strong Kong.

Wario charged, as did DK, and both slammed into each other with enough force to shake the ground. Wario had seized DK around the midsection while DK had Wario's shoulders in his grasp. Both were pushing each other, trying to make the other lose his balance while maintaining their own.

In the end, Donkey Kong's strength won out and he flipped Wario clean into the air before bounding after him. DK pulled back a fist only for Wario to deliver a sharp uppercut that propelled both himself and Donkey Kong skyrocketing.

After a very high ascension, both fell to terra firma like a pair of comets, punching and kicking each other all the way down, leaving a trail of fire in their wakes.

Wario grinned, then grabbed Donkey by the tie. The little troll then reversed position so that DK was above him, then used all the strength he could muster to toss Donkey Kong back to the planet.

Donkey smashed into the ground with a resounding BOOM. The very impact sent birds flocking from their roosts to find a safer haven.

The impact had no effect on DK's body thanks to the Strong Kong, but he still had to shake the cobwebs out of his head before getting back on his feet.

Wario-Man landed just in front of him, but in a puff of yellow smoke, he was back to plain-ol' Wario. He looked himself over, then back to the still-glowing Donkey Kong and cried out in panic before taking off, Donkey Kong in hot pursuit.

Wario searched high and low for anything that would give him an advantage and spotted it in the form of his custom-built motorcycle.

Donkey screeched to a halt as Wario hopped on his bike and revved it up before speeding at Donkey Kong, intent on making the monkey into roadkill.

DK scrunched his eyebrows, then reared back his head and, just as the motorcycle closed the distance, DK slammed his head into its front wheel.

Once again, Wario was catapulted through the air and landed with a "thud". He dusted himself off, then decided to take the ape once and for all. He put on another hat, this one with a rabbit-like shape to it. Rabbit ears appeared on Wario's hat and thrusters in the back.

Fire erupted from the thrusters and Wario flew forward at Donkey Kong, fist extended and ready to take the ape's head off.

DK accepted the challenge, spinning his right hand faster and faster with each rotation, all while Wario was getting ever closer.

DK finished charging his punch, then jumped in the air to meet Wario. The whole world seemed to slow to an almost standstill as DK threw his punch…

Direct hit.

Wario's head flew clean off his shoulders. The combined forward-going momentum of the Jet Pot combined with DK's overwhelmingly-strong punch was too much for even Wario to handle.

Both landed on the ground, DK on his feet, and Wario's headless corpse tumbling across the landscape, dyeing the jungle floor red with blood that oozed from his headless neck.

DK looked at his bested adversary, then reared back, beat his chest, and unleashed a Tarzan-esque yell in victory.

K.O.!!!

--

Steel: Wow! DK made a monkey out of Wario.

Ray: Wario and Donkey Kong are both very strong opponents. And Wario was tricky enough to use whatever was lying around as a weapon or use it to his advantage. However, Donkey Kong's strength are more to his natural athletic ability while Wario's relies more on power-ups and items that tend to disappear after a hit.

Steel: And, being a gorilla, DK's arms are easily twice as long as Wario's and much more powerful. I don't care how tough Wario is, if DK's strong enough to punch the moon out of orbit and bounce it like a basketball, Wario doesn't stand a chance against a punch like that.

Ray: And before you bring up things like Zombie Wario, Fat Wario, and Fire Wario, those forms come from certain enemies and environments, environments he had to get out of in order to reach Donkey's golden banana stash.

Steel: The Strong Kong was also enough to counter Wario Man and the "Bongo Blast meets Nuclear Fart" moment…I'd love to replay that.

Ray: The winner is Donkey Kong.



--

DONKEY KONG…
Bigger, stronger, longer reach
Most of his abilities do not rely on power-ups
Strong Kong matched, even outlasted, Wario-Man
Not as reliant on power-ups
Rambi only has one exploitable weakness and destroyed Wario's vehicles
Super moves are greater in number and do greater damage

WARIO…
Smarter but smaller and weaker
Power-ups and transformations are formidable
Loses some abilities after a hit
Cheating only prolonged the fight
No single "disguise" could take Donkey Kong out, three of which were useless
Vehicles broke when encountered with Rambi and DK's strength

Steel: Next time on Death Battle. See the description to see who our next contestant will be.